Sat sep 9 6:27pm Skaftekulla badplats
Today at the lake I didn’t want to get out of the water.
My host drove me to a remote lake next to a cow and sheep pasture. It was perfect. The water was cool and flat, and I could see little skirmishes on top of the water here and there where water bugs where doing their thing. There were lots of huge rock formations – one, really, that we had to walk over and around to reach the dock.
There was a little forest area surrounding the lake, and there were a few picnic tables and ares for fires. It was really ideal.
There was a family splashing about in the water, so I entered a few feet away on the beachy area, then swam out into the water. It felt so refreshing. I’ve had a couple of crummy days, not feeling well, so it was a huge relief to immerse myself into nature and just let it wash over me.
I swam away from the beach for awhile, then found a spot to swim back and forth for my exercise. Finally, the family left so my friend walked over the rock and stripped down and got in the water. So much nicer to share the water.
I alternated between breast stroke and crawl, stopping three times to do my greetings into the diffused sunbeam tunnels. “H, E, T, R, A, TW, SC, SP.”
Being in the water is so easy. I love the movement. I love how my head empties. I love how relaxed and calm I feel. It’s like I can finally connect with my soul. I don’t even know what that means, but it is sublime to connect with myself without words or thoughts. I can feel myself coming back. Very slowly. Very incrementally. It’s so subtle I barely notice it, but I am feeling a tiny shift in my energy, my awareness, my willingness to be here.
I tried to dive! I don’t know what came over me, but I wanted to see if I remembered how. My enormous melons hit the water first and hard. Ow! But I got out and tried two more times until I did a decent dive. It’s weird that I don’t remember how to do it. Now, looking at the photos and videos my host took I’m horrified by my size. My weight. I don’t recognize or like this body.
I can’t fix it now, but I hope all this swimming helps me lose some weight while I’m here. I don’t feel right weighing this much. My knees hurt. My balance is off. My chest is too big, too heavy. It impacts everything I do. At least in the water I can feel weightless and my arms seem to work ok.
I didn’t want to get out of the water. I jumped in off the dock just to feel the water again. It’s the first time since my accident I did anything like that. I have been so cautious, careful, afraid. But I jumped in the lake, and it didn’t hurt my leg. That tiny bit of freedom feels important. I need to build on it so I can keep getting back to who I am and get on with my life.
This is the lake I wish I could swim in every day. It’s clean. And there are cows and sheep in the field next to it. After I got out I noticed a cow in the lake, drinking water.
There were little clumps of wild violets in the rock. So pretty. They remind me of my mother and of my grandmother. We always had violets in the garden.
Now I am starving. Gonna ride my bike to the store for food.